The Drunken Text

"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." Tim Robbins

And in reality no one is more playful, rebellious and immature than the drunk texter. Much has already been said about this phenomenon, in fact there is a whole website www.textsfromlastnight.com that attempts to document drunken texts from around the world. Do most of our readers probably understand the wonders and complexities of drunk texting?
Probably, but being my obnoxious self, I still feel the need to give my two cents.

I am writing this post from a position of authority on the subject of drunk texting. If drunk texting was a college major, I would have a PhD in the field. And its not just limited to drunk texting. Given the rise of social media I can now drunkenly harass mah ladies using several forms of communication: calling, texting, bbming, facebook, email and even the occasional and much less private drunken tweet (which is not as fun as it sounds).

Over the years I came up with a number of rules that have more or less served me well in my endeavors and I feel obliged to share them with you, my loyal readers.

1) Set a goal in mind early on in the night: Decide early on in the night what you want from your drunken texting. Do you want to profess your love to that girl you've been hooking up with? Do you want a backup booty call? Do you want to get fired? Understanding what you want your text to do will help you make sure you are focused while texting. There is nothing worse than being armed with a smartphone at 4 am while intoxicated and having no clear strategy. Its bound to get ugly.

2) Easy access: When you decide what the goal for your text is come up with a short list of names you plan on texting. Do something so that they are prominent on your phone (a dot before their name so they are first in your phonebook, or call them so they appear in your call log). Ensuring easy access to the people you want to text will make sure you don't text people you shouldn't be texting.

3) Delete numbers: There are some people you should just never be texting. Those people include but are not limited to exes, people you haven't had the "talk" with yet, your parents and finally your boss. If you are anticipating a good night out copy these numbers down, give them to a friend then delete them from your phone. This will save you from so many awkward conversations… Trust me.

4) 3G 3shmee: Data plans are unnecessary after midnight. After your fifth drink go to setting and turn off the data from your phone. You don't need to use it for google maps at this point since your probably too drunk to know how to use a map. Having your data on just opens up so many more avenues for digital harassment of members of the opposite sex. Its unnecessary, texting can be just as effective with much less collateral damage (e.g. drunken facebook wall posting)

5) Forgiving is divine: If you are the recipient of a drunken text that is embarrassing to the sender, forget about it the next day. Trust me one day you will send a drunken text (even if you don't drink, you will send a drunken text… which btw is really weird, I don't know why non-drinkers do this, do you know that you can't hide behind the "I was so drunk" excuse we all use??). Allow drunken texts to slide into the past. If you sent a text that paints you in an unattractive light don't dwell on it the next morning, ignore it and move on. Of course, there is one text you can never really ignore…


The drunken break-up text:
If you send or receive this text you, my friend, are fucked. The only text worse than this one is the drunken break up text where you confess, proudly, that you cheated on them with their best friend. There is no coming back from it. There are no repeals, recalls or recants. This text will become the 800 pound gorilla in the room that is your love life.

That being said. Not all drunk texts are bad texts. Use this phenomenon of our generation correctly and you can find true love, but remember, you might have to text that person sober one day… Awkward...