Desperate Dudes

A few of my guy friends complain that women lead them on. They say the girl always answers his calls/texts/bbms him back but doesn't do much else, and he doesn't understand why their so-called relationship is at a standstill.

The girl is always responsive and flirty (in your mind) but when it comes down to it she's really not interested, especially if she's never the initiator. Where the line is really drawn is this: Is she willing to go on a date with you?

And I don't mean a "group" date. We're not 12 anymore. Is the girl actually willing to get dressed up and head out with you? If she keeps coming up with excuses then she's definitely not interested and you should quit while you're ahead. No one on earth is that busy. And trust me, if we want you we'll probably go out of our way to be available when u call.

Women don't play games anymore. We might recant when you do something stupid (often) but really, we don't have time for games. We live in the era of instant gratification. I want it now and I want it good. None of us have time to waste.

The truth is: Men are willingly led on. We're not "teases" and we're not leading you on; you just happen to have an overactive imagination. Men read too much into the smallest action and exaggerate it in their heads. Gentlemen, please stop being a bunch of whiny bitches, that's what women are for. If we wanted you back, you'd know it by now.

The most important factor one should consider when deciding if the girl is interested in you or not is easy as pie (not cake): Is the girl in your league?

Personally when a guy is so far out of my league (and by out of my league I mean worse looking, I have yet to find a better looking guy than me) it doesn't cross my mind that he is so disillusioned as to expect more than a friendship. Or think he can, in fact, receive more than a friendship. I thought everyone had mirrors at their house now.

Being interested in people that aren't realistically within reach is without a doubt the stupidest thing a man can engage in. Unless he has money or a particular special talent.

If you do have money or a talent make sure to flaunt it. And flaunt it well!! Make sure to mention how your family has a mansion in every European capital and how the chick can participate in "the good life". However, doing too much of this can backfire. It shows you lack a personality. Oh wait, women don't care about that. If you have enough money to buy us diamonds we're pretty much satisfied. You now need to master another form of satisfaction.

The talents you flaunt should be limited to sports and operating heavy machinery. If you happen to think that singing is a talent, please don't show it off. Women do not think that singing is masculine. Period.

You can't rely on just being nice to get a girl. It shows you can't fulfill her needs of being spontaneous, romantic, exciting, adventurous, etc. Nice is vanilla. I like throwing some chocolate chips in the mix. Maybe a brownie. You need to be the cherry on top to actually get the girl. Women don't settle for less anymore. Unless she's a hoe. Hoes settle for less all the time.

The Friend With Benefits

In our parents' time things were simpler. You lived near where you grew up, your TV only had one channel and there were only three relationship status: single, in a relationship and married.

But alas! Times are a changing. I live 5000 miles from where I was born, I can barely navigate a cable TV guide due to the number of channels available and there is now a plethora of possible relationship statuses that I can be in.

Each type of relationship comes with it a certain set of actions that you and your partner can engage in. Single friends hang out. Booty calls hook up. Open relationships hook up with others. People in a relationship engage say things like "us" and "our" and celebrate trifle things such as anniversaries and each other's birthdays. Most relationship labels are self-explanatory when it comes to what you can and can not do.

There is one relationship type, however, that is completely undefined: The Friend With Benefits (FWB).

FWB's lie somewhere on the spectrum between booty calls and relationships. A FWB is not a booty call because they know things about you that booty calls might now know. You also generally like your FWB in a friendly way because, well, a FWB is initially a friend (a friend that at some point you were both drunk enough to start hooking up). But a FWB is NOT your girlfriend/boyfriend. It is not ok to start planning romantic getaways with a FWB, you and your FWB do NOT have an anniversary and you do NOT have joint-ownership of anything.

Calibrating you and your FWB's position on the Spectrum of Love (yes I called it the spectrum of love and when you read it in your mind elongate the o in love and make it sound cheesy) is often a difficult task and can threaten the underlying friendship on which the benefits are based. Be honest with your FWB, you have nothing to lose. Talk about what you want from this FWBness. You can probably be more honest with your FWB than you can one day with a true significant other.

Also, I encourage all people to collect FWB's. I have 1000 Facebook friends (yes yes I am super popular). Assuming a 50-50 split between genders that leaves 500 female friends. Subtracting family members and ugly people that leaves me with about a few hundred hot, unrelated to me, female friends. All of these are potential FWB's. If men and women truly can't be just friends, as Sensational described in Just Friends?, then be Friends with Benefits. It's like having your cake and eating it too! Except your cake is sex.

The Journey

It's a great night, the liquor is flowing, you look great, you are surrounded by all your friends and best thing of all, you just picked up a hot chick at the club. As the night comes to a close and you pay your tab you realize that now its time to take said chick back to your place. And like Odysseus returning from his triumph at Troy, your Journey will be filled with as many obstacles.

This humorous and heartbreaking adventure is often overlooked by Hollywood. Movies generally focus on the pick up with a brief sex scene once you have reached your destination (if you are lucky). Rarely is the Journey itself explored. Which is weird. I mean there are enough awkward situations in the Journey that even Steve Carell would feel uncomfortable. Thus, it is my duty to you, my loyal readers (all five of you) to provide you with a map to help you home on these fun nights.

Many times just leaving the club is a perilous situation. For one thing you have to avoid her friends. Fellas, learn this, every girl you hook up with has one of two friends. The first friend is the friend that is falling over drunk and your girl now needs to go home and take care of her (the indirect cock block). The other friend is usually shorter, fatter, uglier and more sober than your girl (she's probably more sober because all that extra weight she has makes it easier for her to metabolize alcohol). This girl is Cock Block (with caps and no "the" before it). She will try to convince the girl you are with to go home alone. The first step of any successful Journey home is to avoid Cock Block.

The next challenge in the Journey is finding a cab. This can be especially tricky if its raining or snowing. The trick to finding a cab is to walk far far away from the club. This is good because it puts space between you and Cock Block. It is also good because walking or strolling can lend themselves to much more playful forms of conversation than angrily waiting for a cab. Take this moment to bitch about why clubs close so early, or laugh about where your friends are (not her friends, she might get worried), or if you want to convey class and well-traveledness talk about how much easier it is to find a cab in Prague or Geneva or any other European city.

The easiest part of the Journey though is the cab ride home, as long as you follow some of these rules. Do not let her use her phone, Cock Block is most likely texting her. Do not look at her when you are waiting under a street light, she's not as hot as you think she is. Do not talk too much, you risk wanting to throw her out of the cab. Do not display too much PDA, it's not your car, have some respect to the cabbie.

Of course there are other concerns. If you have a roommate, a heads-up before you get home would be nice. Sex-Proof your apartment before you go out (clear desks and any surfaces you might want to use and make sure you have clean sheets and no dirty underwear on the floor). Make sure you have money for the cab ride home.

Of course, none of this really matters if you can't pick up someone in the first place. If you find this occurs too much may I suggest skipping the club tonight and hitting up the gym, consider plastic surgery or read something so that you can at least pretend your literate (girls seem to dig an appropriate amount of intelligence in a guy).

Sugardaddies: I lost my wallet. Can I have yours?

It is pretty unusual for an attractive man to date an unattractive woman. Yet, the opposite holds true when concerning a hot woman dating an ugly guy.

Studies have shown that men are more visual creatures while women are more emotional, lending to the belief that while men only want the hottest of the hot, women can settle for meaningless attributes like a strong sense of humor or a good personality.

Bullshit. It doesn't take a degree in psychology to figure out the answer is MONEY. Women like stuff. If you buy women said stuff they will like you. Even if you look like a monkey.

Matters of finance often confuse me as I don't really know where to draw the line. I've been with a guy who presented me with a Cartier ring on the first date. I've also been with a guy who asked me to pay for him at a burger joint.

While these two men exemplify the extremes, it is most appropriate to never ask a lady to pay for you. If you need money I suggest getting a job. If that is not a viable option, send me your address. I will be more than happy to supply you with cardboard and markers so you can make a decent living going car to car and pretending you are sick.

Good Charlotte once sang "girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." And I must wholeheartedly agree. I've never thought someone behind the wheel of a volvo was hot. A guy with a sexy import immediately ups his game. Money also allows you to go to nice places.

Perhaps the biggest perk of dating an ugly guy is this: he has faced lots of rejection and as a result has worked really hard on his personality. He will also be a bit more vulnerable than your average guy allowing you to have complete power. Funny and listens to you! Where do I sign up?

Its simple math:
Hot guy = boyfriend, but also player. Hotties are well aware that they are hot.
MONEY + monkey = loyal and rich boyfriend

The holy grail is a hot guy that doesn't know it. i.e. this man used to be fat or a loser and has yet to realize his transformation.

It is better, however, to go for the chubby cute guy than the full-on ugly. You can make him diet, trust me I've tried (on a guy I wasn't even with) and was very successful. Fat guy + fat wallet = success.

Disclaimer: Both Mr. Cartier and BurgerBoy were lookers. I can never kiss an ugly. I do not want advances from ugly men since I care about genetics, I am just suggesting that other women give them a chance so there's more beautiful people for me.
To the ugly women out there, please stick to your own kind. It would also be much appreciated if you don't post kissy pictures on facebook. No one wants to see monkeys in the making.

Extra Legroom

Fads come and go yet denim remains to be a staple in the closets of many men. They wear jeans to everyday events and some even inappropriately wear them to formal events like weddings. My dear brother even thought it was a good idea to wear a pair of skinny black jeans to his high school graduation. All I can say is thank g_d he had that robe on or my father would probably have disowned him.

I find the skinny jeans (leggings?) trend hard to fathom. Its nice to have a man be bigger than yourself, you feel protected in a way. Having him wear jeans that are tighter than your own is unfortunate. Having him look skinnier than you is a definite blow to the head, a major kill to any woman's self-esteem. I don't want to be with a guy who'll ask to borrow my jeans someday.

Aren't they uncomfortable? I thought men loved that they could get away with loose clothing. Sometimes I have to decide between wearing a pair of skinnies or breathing. I didn't think men made that kind of sacrifice for fashion.

However, skinny jean's biggest faux pas is the fact that I can see your balls. Trust me they do NOT look good in that position. Especially if your package is lacking you don't need to put that out in the world.

I'm not a man but having a little leg room never hurt anyone. We even pay for it on planes. I think your waists appreciate it too...there's nothing worse than a man with muffin top and a tight tee.

I'm all for gender equality but guys don't have to wear skinny jeans just because girl do. We have different equipment.

The only one who could pull off this look was Sid Vicious in that 70s heroin chic kind of way. Jay Z rapped that he doesn't wear skinnies because his knots don't fit. If your wearing skinnies, I'll assume your's do.

The Drunken Text

"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature." Tim Robbins

And in reality no one is more playful, rebellious and immature than the drunk texter. Much has already been said about this phenomenon, in fact there is a whole website www.textsfromlastnight.com that attempts to document drunken texts from around the world. Do most of our readers probably understand the wonders and complexities of drunk texting?
Probably, but being my obnoxious self, I still feel the need to give my two cents.

I am writing this post from a position of authority on the subject of drunk texting. If drunk texting was a college major, I would have a PhD in the field. And its not just limited to drunk texting. Given the rise of social media I can now drunkenly harass mah ladies using several forms of communication: calling, texting, bbming, facebook, email and even the occasional and much less private drunken tweet (which is not as fun as it sounds).

Over the years I came up with a number of rules that have more or less served me well in my endeavors and I feel obliged to share them with you, my loyal readers.

1) Set a goal in mind early on in the night: Decide early on in the night what you want from your drunken texting. Do you want to profess your love to that girl you've been hooking up with? Do you want a backup booty call? Do you want to get fired? Understanding what you want your text to do will help you make sure you are focused while texting. There is nothing worse than being armed with a smartphone at 4 am while intoxicated and having no clear strategy. Its bound to get ugly.

2) Easy access: When you decide what the goal for your text is come up with a short list of names you plan on texting. Do something so that they are prominent on your phone (a dot before their name so they are first in your phonebook, or call them so they appear in your call log). Ensuring easy access to the people you want to text will make sure you don't text people you shouldn't be texting.

3) Delete numbers: There are some people you should just never be texting. Those people include but are not limited to exes, people you haven't had the "talk" with yet, your parents and finally your boss. If you are anticipating a good night out copy these numbers down, give them to a friend then delete them from your phone. This will save you from so many awkward conversations… Trust me.

4) 3G 3shmee: Data plans are unnecessary after midnight. After your fifth drink go to setting and turn off the data from your phone. You don't need to use it for google maps at this point since your probably too drunk to know how to use a map. Having your data on just opens up so many more avenues for digital harassment of members of the opposite sex. Its unnecessary, texting can be just as effective with much less collateral damage (e.g. drunken facebook wall posting)

5) Forgiving is divine: If you are the recipient of a drunken text that is embarrassing to the sender, forget about it the next day. Trust me one day you will send a drunken text (even if you don't drink, you will send a drunken text… which btw is really weird, I don't know why non-drinkers do this, do you know that you can't hide behind the "I was so drunk" excuse we all use??). Allow drunken texts to slide into the past. If you sent a text that paints you in an unattractive light don't dwell on it the next morning, ignore it and move on. Of course, there is one text you can never really ignore…


The drunken break-up text:
If you send or receive this text you, my friend, are fucked. The only text worse than this one is the drunken break up text where you confess, proudly, that you cheated on them with their best friend. There is no coming back from it. There are no repeals, recalls or recants. This text will become the 800 pound gorilla in the room that is your love life.

That being said. Not all drunk texts are bad texts. Use this phenomenon of our generation correctly and you can find true love, but remember, you might have to text that person sober one day… Awkward...

The Momma’s Boy

A few months ago I went on a date with the quintessential momma’s boy. Now, let me start off by saying I wasn’t really interested in this guy but we had a bunch of mutual friends who persuaded me to take a chance. And I was on the rebound so I figured what the heck. Plus he was really tall. I like that.

So, I started the night with high expectations. He was a grad student and I figured it’d be a good change from all the children I was dating.

We were getting along perfectly when he coyly tried holding my hand, and I let him. He looked at it and said, “you’re hands are like my mother's hands.”

First of all, what the fuck? Second, is that supposed to be a compliment?

I tried to laugh it off and hoped that this was just a momentary lapse in judgment of the appropriate things to say to someone you’re trying to get with but then he said. “I love my mother. She’s the best, she’s the most amazing cook.” Which would be fine if we we’re talking about mothers…or cooking.
But, we weren’t.

Well now, I should have taken these signs as a warning, passed on that last glass of wine and sprinted for the door. But I had to pretend I had some semblance of good manners. Also my bag was pretty far away so I couldn't reach in for that fake emergency phone call.

By the end of the night I was in a rush to get home....but he had different plans.

Sensational: Wow it’s pretty cold tonight.
MB: Yeah…u know what’s the best thing to do in this weather? Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.
Thinking he was trying to make a move to invite me over I obliged.
Sensational: So true, that’s basically me everyday with a cup of tea.
MB: When I go back home I always end up cuddling with my mother on the couch. My dad makes so much fun of me he tells me to grow up.
Whoaaaa boy, that’s a little too much information for date number one, and probably even for anniversary number one.
Sensational: He’s right.
MB: UM. Haha. So do you wanna come over and watch a movie?
Sensational: I think I’ll take a rain check. It’s late….I don’t want you’re mother getting jealous.

Momma’s boys have deep emotional issues, it’s like they’ve come to the realization that she’s the only woman who'll never hurt him.

Ladies, don't jump to the conclusion that dating someone close to his mother is the same as dating someone who loves and respects women. He loves and respects ONE woman and it's not you. I had dated a momma's boy before and learned the hard way that these men tend to be clingy. They like to be babied. I don't like babies.

The odd thing about this particular MB is that he didn't seem to understand that there are a million things to compliment a woman on, and old lady hands is not one of them. He also had a mild case of TMI.

Be a man, don’t be a boy.

Needless to say we didn't have a second date. I was relieved to escape his MB trap. He was probably happy he still had time to call his mother before bedtime.

BBM Etiquette

In light of the ongoing influx of Blackberry users I have taken it upon myself to dispense some advice regarding the use and abuse of the blackberry messaging service. These tips will help you become a more effective BBM partner while helping you and those around you maintain an appropriate level of sanity:

1. Do not add people you never talk to. No one is ever going to check your phone and compare how many contacts you have. If you have friends that do this, I suggest finding new friends.

2. Do put your real picture, or no picture at all. Even if you’re ugly, I'd rather see your face then a picture of your dog, cat, bird, or mother.

3. Do not abuse the broadcast. I don't want to read your jokes nor do I want to subsequently receive it by 20 of our mutual friends in that horrid purple text. You are just being a pain in the ass. Even worse are those who send out a broadcast and expect to have a conversation about said joke.

4. Do not send forwards. You email me forwards, you text me forwards, now BBM? Get a fucking life. You won't go to hell, the love of ur life won't kiss you at midnight, and G_d is not keeping track of your BBMs. Last time I checked, forwarding a message never cured AIDS.

5. Do set an appropriate status. No one cares that you are in love, feel flirty, have finally found inner peace or can't decide what color underwear to wear today. Your status is not a mood ring. If you want to let people know something direct it at them personally, otherwise stop updating me on every shit you take.

6. Once deleted from someone's list, do not re-add them. No one deletes you by mistake.

7. You're not funny in real life, hence you are not funny on BBM. Adding hahaha to the things you say doesn't make you any more funny, it makes you obnoxious.

8. Do not constantly send pictures of what you are doing or where you are going. I'd rather die a slow and painful death than have a photographic journal of your lame day.

9. Limit the number of smileys you put in your display name. One is ok. Two is pushing it. Having more smileys than letters in your name is mildy inappropriate. Grow up.

10. In a conference conversation, only include those who wish to be a part of it. If someone leaves, do not keep re-inviting them. You are setting yourself up for being deleted (See #6).

11. Do not replace phone calls with BBMs. Call me. Especially if you want a quick answer. PING!s don't help either. In fact, if you PING! me I’ll make sure to ignore your message for a longer period of time.

12. Unless you are a close friend do not BBM someone "just to talk". Send me an email instead. I won’t reply but at least you’ll feel less rejected without seeing that little R.

While each of us is guilty of breaking a few of these rules from time to time, habitual offenders need to take this list to heart and stop pissing your friends off. If you simply cannot control yourself as you see the number on your contacts list dwindle, consider switching to the iPhone.

Don't have a condom on you?

Imagine, its a crazy night, you pick up someone from the bar and you take her back to your place, things are getting heated, you reach into that drawer near your bed where you hide your love gloves and you realize... Crap! I used the last one I had making water balloons thinking my drought would never end.

At this point in the night you would have to choose between having an awkward session of dry humping followed by pillow talk that makes you feel like you are having an intellectual lobotomy and makes you wonder why you ever go to bars in the first place OR having wild, unprotected sex that you can never truly enjoy because every time you penetrate her you are haunted by this image of a younger you that wakes you up screaming bloody hell for the next 10 years of your life followed by what seems like an eternity of soiled diapers.

Fear Not! A new study published in the June issue of the Journal of Contraception (standard bedside reading material for me) states that "pulling out" or "withdrawal" or "cumming on her face like in porn instead" is just as effective as is the use of condoms for preventing pregnancies and might even have a shot at reducing STD's.

For more information I refer you to:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/28/health/main5045514.shtml

I suggest you read it if for nothing else than to read the lovely racist and democrat vs. republican mudslinging that happens in the comments section.

Well that certainly takes a load of my chest (and puts it on hers).

A Friendly Note From Our Sponsors: This study is most probably a load of crap, and if you are having sex I recommend she be on the pill AND you use a condom. Better to be safe than preggers. Of course the safest way to avoid unwanted pregnancy is to be ugly.

Just friends?

Men never want to get to know women for strictly platonic reasons; it isn’t within their nature. If anyone claims they want to form a friendly relationship, they’re lying. Unless it’s in response to you turning them down in which case…um…nope they’re lying about that too.

Don’t fool yourself, your friend has absolutely no interest in anything you say. It is a well-established fact that men and women cannot be friends. At one point the sexual tension becomes too much to bear.
Hey, we’re red-blooded individuals here, we all have a libido to give in to.

It’s like in When Harry Met Sally, Harry says: "Men and women can't be friends- because the sex part always gets in the way."

You don’t actually have to be having sex for the sex part to get in the way it’s just the fact that one of you wants it. It’s the thoughts that get to you.

Even when you are both involved with other people, you can’t be friends. This is mainly because the person you’re with cannot fathom why you need to be friends with the person you’re friends with. They'll always think you’re hiding something.

If someone of the opposite sex is talking to you, they want to get with you. You can't just be friends.

Unless one of you is gay…then you can be friends.

Harry: No a man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Cheers Harry!

Poke wars

Today my father posed a very good question: What does a poke mean on Facebook?
What does it mean? I couldn't even begin to answer that.

The poke, or poking, should usually be left to those with experience as poking can have detrimental effects on the recipient if done incorrectly. In the psychological sphere many questions arise: Was it necessary? Why me? Do I have to return the favor? How long must we keep poking? And finally, when is it appropriate to stop?

The most beautiful thing about poking is that you can poke someone without knowing their real name, having to say hello, or even having ever met them before. This is, of course, a double edged sword as there is always a fear of the unknown.

Here are a few rules that are integral on how to deal with any poke situation:
1. After a crazy night you always seem to discover u poked someone by mistake. And that mistake seems to haunt you everywhere you go. The most effective way to deal with an unwanted poke is to hide it and never mention it again. Don't tell your friends, they'll always know how to bring it up at some inopportune moment.

2. Ignore poking advances from people with significant others, an ex, or someone who's overeager. This never ends well.

3. Don't give in so easily, sometimes playing hard to get makes it all the better when you finally poke. Furthermore, posting slutty pictures of yourself shows that you are willing to poke, do not do this if you want to limit your poking partners or be taken seriously as a potential poker/pokee .

4. Be wary of who you poke. Realize that people know your intentions.

5. Don’t forget to practice safe poking. Don’t poke those you don’t know. You might find the person you poked to be needy and clingy…or even worse, want to poke all the time. Don’t fall into the trap. Ignore their poke and move on.

Always remember, the only way to be 100% safe is to abstain from poking completely, second is to poke with a close friend or confidant. Don't be a poke whore.

As for the poke on Facebook, I leave that open to interpretation.

Another reason to keep it in my pants

As colleges around the world are about to release another cohort of seniors into the real world where things like careers and reputations actually matter I feel obliged to share with you some career advice that a close friend of mine thought would be applicable.

As you begin your long, painful, fraught with disappointment and self-reflection careers, Susan Antilla, of Bloomberg inc., would like to remind us that keeping your "Libido control is how to get ahead in the office" (This is not to be mistaken with how to get head at the office. The two, it seems, are mutually exclusive).

So if you were hoping, as I was, for a career filled with office romances with pretty human resource ladies, or to be getting that late night romp on your bosses desk as you work on your millionth pitch be advised you could be spelling the end to your career, especially if you are bad in bed.

There are however some exceptions to the rule:
1) Sleeping with your boss: Getting on your back to get on the fast track is by far the fastest way to getting promoted. However, this does come with some caveats: Do not get caught by your boss' boss, Do spend lots of time giving oral. Also, if you are bad in bed this might not be the best way for you to get promoted, instead try to focus on leadership skills.

2) Sleeping with your boss' significant other: While this might be morally reprehensible, if you don't get caught this could be the second fastest way to getting to the top (and on top). Nothing speeds up the promotion process than a good word from your boss' significant other.

I hope as seniors reading this depart into the real world they keep this nugget of wisdom in mind when about to unzip at the office.

Happy Humping!!